Sakhile Mthabela/ Hadebe

Participant

Sakhile Mthabela/ Hadebe was born in Umlazi, Durban. Sakhile studied photography at the Market Photo Workshop and has been working on documentary projects in and around Johannesburg. He works with the mediums of documentary and architecture photography, and videography. Sakhile’s work experience includes being volunteer researcher and resident advisor on Soweto TV’s youth programmes, researcher and photographer for the Oral History project at Wits University and photographer at Media24.

Cell No: +27 73 742 1462

Email address: sakza@live.co.za

Not in my past

The balance of letting go, holding on and not losing yourself in the war of letting go of your childhood trauma that inflicted chaos in yourself emotional and psychological instability. Not in my past is process of self-reflection and exploration; a self-inquiry and a path of understanding why I was emotional and psychological trapped.

The void of loneliness, questions lingering – the attempt to embrace childhood experiences and understand if I deserved this? The use of substance to calm my nerves into forgetting my pain, for a while, becomes an escape. But still, I long for answers that will heal my never-ending pain and suffering.

The internal scars haunt me. I am a monster, a creature towards the ones I love. I am child who was not protected, who was not nurtured. I live with a visible difference – for my internal struggles are made perfect by weakness. The scars you do not see run deeper than the ones you do.

But I am my own authority, my own power and my own choice. The scars indicate healing. I will never forget whatever happened, but it will not trigger that painful of a reaction anymore. Not in my past is Victor’s mantra – I am not a victim of my past, my future is not predetermined, my life is what I choose it to be from this moment moving forward.

Becoming

From the mountains and dusty roads of Mnambithi to Johannesburg; “khushu – khushu” the train took Buthelezi to Johannesburg in 1983. He has seen it all – the Afrikaner policemen, a group of young men, of different cultures, in overall uniforms and loud machinery, Sandton City.

Time has gone by, quickly and unexpectedly for Buthelezi – what is the next plan and where to? Join abomkhaya and abafowethu at Merafe Hostel or Mzimhlophe Hostel – to regain strength, focus, to plan and keep on pursuing aspirations and dreams.

Mzimhlophe Hostel which was renamed to Meadowlands Zone 11. The hostel of 740 rows of barrack-like buildings.Is from the apartheid era. Built in the 1950s to accommodate single men who came as cheap labour from the rural areas. Today the 4,444 two-room units with built-in cement beds are crammed with families. This is Buthelezi’s residence, a home for his children, a place of rest for him after his hard work as a livestock owner. Mornings, afternoons, hours spent in the field of grazing goats, sheep and cows – a strong bond with his animals. Buthelezi proudly expresses his passion, highlighting the hard work, dedication, resilience and hope.

Change

The journey of rediscover, journey of unlearning, a journey to true self has come,

The rediscovery of that deeper essence of who I am.

Changing my past victimisation of myself, overcoming the victim mindset

The time is now to embrace change after grief and trauma.

Stop! Stop the gender victimisation, that causes desperate cries and scars

Turn my scars of pains to a process of healing

No more repression of my emotions, no more self-silencing, I reclaim my voice

Change is now, for me and all that have been abused by my internalized abuse!